We all want to blame our partner. Admit it. If something bad or annoying happens, it’s not me. Noooo. But I’ve learnt to stop the blame game and improve my relationship. Here is how.
Stop the Blame – Understand Your Cycle
We women are cyclical. And while it’s very well and good to know that, there is a meaning behind it. We are the product, the result of our hormones. Once you understand that, if you menstruate, you’re not the same at the beginning of your cycle, the middle and the end, that’s the key.
Our hormones fluctuate, we have oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone (yes, it’s not only for men). They peak and plummet during about a 25-35 day period, and they all have a specific function. You can feel great and you can feel a bit depressed in one cycle. You can love everyone and then hate them a few days later.
Progesterone, which is produced after ovulation till the end of your cycle, makes you prone to irritability, depression and tiredness. And when you live with a loved one, a friend, a housemate, a spouse, etc. everyone can be responsible for annoying you at any point.
I used to question my relationship with my boyfriend quite regularly, even once we were engaged. I thought I was strange and that I really needed to make my mind up before the wedding ! What hadn’t occurred to me was that it was usually before my period came on.
But then I heard that a friend of mine was saying to her partner they needed to break up every month. And another friend’s husband was used to preparing his wife a bath with a glass of wine when she started shouting at the same time every month.
When you become aware of the change of your hormones, therefore your moods, you understand your behaviour. You can question your thoughts, and see them with more perspective. You can wonder if you’re really angry at someone, or if your hormones are accentuating a mild annoyance.
And my bottom line is: if your partner infuriates you at the beginning of your cycle, it’s not your hormones, it’s them !
You can read more about understanding your cycle here.
Stop the Blame – Meditation for Mental Fatigue
Have you noticed how, when you’re tired, suddenly everyone is irritating? When you’re mentally exhausted, the world is spinning inside your head with an endless to-do list on repeat.
And if something goes wrong – your sleeve gets stuck in a door handle that wasn’t closed properly, the laundry basket can’t fit any more of your clothes but all your husband’s clothes are in, your toe hits a chair that wasn’t pushed back – it’s somebody else’s fault. Why don’t they think about other people when doing things ?? We don’t have time to deal with their mistakes.
We are all so quick to blame others. Be honest.
But if you’re even more honest with yourself, you’re as much responsible for these little nuisances as others can be. And I know what did the trick for me. In my relationship with my husband (yes I married him, however infuriating I find the man sometimes), and with other people (like my 5 siblings, including 4 brothers).
It was meditation.
I have learnt to observe my thoughts, calm them down. I have practised breathing deeply instead of letting the hamster wheel of thoughts consume me. I have relaxed my mind often enough that I know now to breathe before a conflict arises.
Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t always work. But most of the time, my mind’s first reaction used to be to blame my husband for making the sink dirty, for not wanting to discuss important things, for this or that outcome. Now, my second reaction will be one of “meh, it’s dirty, it needs cleaning. Maybe I’m not ready for that conversation. Did I do something wrong?”.
I take time to think through conflicts (aka conflicts a bit more legit than the state of the sink). I organise my thoughts before I lash out, because otherwise it’s not going to be pretty. I breathe, have the argument in my head, and refine it, trying to keep it fair. My mind is at peace.
Stop the Blame – Look in the Mirror
Unfortunately, I’m not as perfect as I think I am. Even though I believe that I think things through, that I am tidy and organised, that I remember things pretty accurately … Well, let’s just say that I am definitely not perfect.
I have slip ups sometimes, I can be forgetful, and yes I am the one who let the crumbs fall on the floor. I use trivial examples because they are the kindle to a fire ready to go sometimes. The petty faults are what we use to blame our partners for bigger issues.
When you get rid of the petty faults, you can address the bigger issues calmly. Like how to manage money, the children’s lives, dividing the responsibilities at home, spending time together, having time for yourself, the in-laws, etc. Insert what you wish here.
We have to stop believing that we are almighty, that even though we do our best, sometimes it’s not perfect (nor should it). Yes you are probably doing more than your partner in some areas, but they are doing more in others – if not, that might call for a serious talk.
To Conclude
It’s not about changing husbands, or even changing the way he is. It’s about understanding how you feel, why you feel in such a way. I used to tell my husband “you’re surprised I’m in a bad mood? Well you put me there, it’s because of you that I’m super mad”. But really, even if he said the wrong thing, I could choose to react differently. I want to stop the blame game.
What I have found to be the saviour to our marriage is humour. You can put a spin on blame, you can joke that this happened when it wasn’t supposed to, you can feign surprise that they let this occur when they were adamant they wouldn’t, etc.
It’s a habit to take. The more playful you become, the more it is natural. It adds joy and lightness to the dullness of every day mishaps that we all have. It takes practice to turn an annoying thing into a fun one, but trust me it’s worth it.
And that will apply to all your relationships. If you’re able to make the biggest relationship in your life fun and playful, life will become easier with everyone else. I promise.
You can support your hormones through food of course, so here are a few recipes:
Special Hormone Cacao Smoothie
Comforting Chickpea Dahl Recipe
